you know I really thought by now I would be having more good days than bad days. I feel like I am on a never ending roller coaster of emotion. I don't know if it is the events of the past year, dealing with Jimmy and all of his problems or even if it is maybe the knowledge I am turning the big 4-0 this year.
I just thought I would really be through the grieving process of the first but somehow I really don't think I am. I think I have just decided that even though we are never going to try again the unfairness of our long struggle with infertility bothers me. I am blessed to have C & J but I miss what might of been with our 4 angel babies. I really do. It also bothers me that irresponsible people seem to have no trouble but those of us with infertility struggle.
I am also bothered by the fact that I cannot seem to get back into a work out groove. I have absolutely no motivation to move forward. I am making bad choices and not exercising and I know what I have to do but no desire too.
I am also sad when I read what typical kids Js age are doing and I have to remember that J might never do those things and while I take great joy in the hugs he does give me and when he requests something with his signs it is also a reminder of what we don't get :(
Yes I am in the midst of a pity party but it seems like the bad days are out weighing the good days lately.
I really try to focus on the good and not the bad. I just wish some things were easier.